I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
