Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
