I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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