why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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