life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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