so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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