I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
