I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I party with great urgency now.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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