My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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