Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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