Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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