I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
false alarm. still invincible.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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