and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
