after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
