Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
