Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
