I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
