I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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