dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
