I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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