I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just forgot I was standing up.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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