I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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