I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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