i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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