my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We're too hungover to prance.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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