im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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