Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Are we still banned from the library?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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