Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
