haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I got inside last night via doggy door
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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