Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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