I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
