i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
