It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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