You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
