I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
