I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
