My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
