to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
