the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Randomize
