you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Randomize
