is your mom at the bar?
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Im part way to drunk.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
