I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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