I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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