i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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