your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
