dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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