I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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