I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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