I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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