So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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