pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
