Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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