I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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