Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
