I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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