Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
