Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
