how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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