Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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